Laundry is all done, large amounts of German chocolate have been bought and eyebrows are threaded. Tomorrow, I pack and Thursday I off to Chicago.
Breathe in, breathe out.

Those ladies sound like A+ material for pushing into dirty puddles “accidently.”

I’m actually surprised that they didn’t hit me up for some money for a baby gift.

I’ve talked here a bit about my expat ladies lunch. It’s every Tuesday or so. I’ve met some great girls there, but overall, it gives me a lot of feelings.
Like I get you can’t be friends with everyone & that sometimes you click and sometimes, you don’t.
But what bothers me is that in more than one occasion a new woman would come in and some would not even stop talking and introduce themselves. That sh*t is straight up rude!
Making friends is hard and you’re in a new city and you show up to a “lady’s lunch”, you expect people to be polite and not feel like you’re interrupting “friends”.
So of course, I over compensate because I’ve manners, I guess.

Anyway, because this is an expat group, it’s fluid. When I started, I knew there was already a clique and I kind of just powered through it and made the best of it all.
Then, I started to get sick of it & stopped going; took a brake and now I started going again. Mostly new women & so far, it’s ok.

Fast forward to last Tuesday. I get there and there are 5 women there with their lunches almost done. I asked, if I missed something or if I was late. Another woman, K, assures me that I’m not late and that because some schedule issues, they, 5women, needed to meet earlier. But the fact is, they never come to the lunches anymore; so, I was even more surprised to see them there.
I noticed that K is a bit off.
I sat down and 5women continued to talked like nothing. Never mind the fact that they know me and have not seen me a while. Ok, I get it, you all are BFFs and I’m not part of that.
This other women, S, tries to be nice to me in a very awkward way.
I’m having none of it.
S was someone that I Iiked and tried to be her friend. As in, she even borrowed one of my fancy dresses in the past for an event.
Then I noticed that she kind of started to brushed me off and in the end I just stopped. If I’m the one always sending notes asking to meet for coffee and never goes the other way, I get the hint.
Especially since the expat group is a bit small and I know she’s meeting with everyone else.
And this is where my infertility comes in.
3 of those 5women know about me infertility. They all kind of just ignored that little fact about me and never really gave me any support. Also, I know people gossip and I bet the other 2 women know.
S is now pregnant which pretty much coincides with the timing that she stopped talking to me.
I smelled that a mile away; but still, it hurts.
I’m sitting in the lunch totally trapped, feeling like a total pariah. Those 5women are friends & some are moms and they’re BFFs and no one is even trying to talk to me. Except for K.
I’m just pretty much ignoring them, all was baby talk/parenting anyway with many rubbing of the pregnant belly, and then I hear this: I know, it was so stressful, having timed sex hoping to get pregnant just takes the fun out of it! I know! it took like, 2 months!!!
This is coming from S, the woman that knows about my infertility and saw me cry when my cycles failed.
Thank g*d I was wearing sunglasses, my eyes almost got stuck because I rolled them so hard.
I know, the other ones are aware of me and there was this weird vibe all around. I bet! they’re justifying S behavior and I’m the one that looks like an ass and the f*cking bitter infertile.
Then, 5women were done, paid and they all left together. K stayed behind.
F*cking awkward and rude!
3 new women came in the meantime and they, 5women, didn’t even stop talking and say hello.
K was a mess and later told me how horrible they whole thing was and that she remembers me saying something about that behavior before but now that she saw it herself, it made her really mad.
K doesn’t know about my infertility because after so many times not being acknowledged by people, I just stopped telling.
It was such a terrible time. I ran home and cried and felt all broken. Yes, even though I don’t even liked them, they hurt my fee fees.
BUT! by Thursday night, my friends that I met at German class came over; I made some ridiculous garlic mash potatoes, white asparagus and ate so much and drank even more. We talked forever and I laughed so much.
It’s all good in the world again.

One of the reason I really want to sell my CHI apartment is that it gives me so many unhappy feelings.
We bought the place right around the same time D and I got married.
The “office” was always destined to be a nursery.
The language magnet school was supposed to be our “kids” school.
The park behind our apartment was supposed to be our park.
Instead, everytime I go back there, I get reminded of my infertility problems and all that.
Then, my friend moved there after we moved to Berlin.
She was pregnant there.
She had a baby shower there.
Her water broke in the living room.
The “office” did become a nursery, just not mine.
A baby, now a toddle does live there. Just not mine.
This was also the woman that offered to be my surrogate and then… well, you know.
Yeah, this apartment needs to be sold.

This is what’s going on.
Our expat contract is up in October, we know that Corporation will not give us another one. Expats are very expensive and they’re eliminating that possibility across the board.
D doesn’t want any position in Chicago; we’re both happy here and we’re planning to take a local-hired contract.
We’ve been going back and forth with HR trying to make sure we don’t get screwed in the process, either. Among the things that we need are taxes preparations, Visa arrangements & moving expenses.
We also have an offer for our CHI apt and we’re just working with our lawyers ironing out the details and everything else. I really wish this was moving a bit faster than it’s going.
This means also that we need to find a new apartment in Berlin. The place is bigger than we really need and it’s more align with a “mortgage” than a rental. Just the thought of that is overwhelming. I do love this place.
While in Chicago will be mostly visiting family but also visiting dentist, Shrinks & doctors to make sure everything is ok before we lose our US insurance.
I really enjoy Berlin and we’re happy to make this permanent change but still there is a huge level of nervousness that goes with all of it.