So I was minding my own business...

Laundry is all done, large amounts of German chocolate have been bought and eyebrows are threaded. Tomorrow, I pack and Thursday I off to Chicago.
Breathe in, breathe out.

Those ladies sound like A+ material for pushing into dirty puddles “accidently.”

I’m actually surprised that they didn’t hit me up for some money for a baby gift.

I’ve talked here a bit about my expat ladies lunch. It’s every Tuesday or so. I’ve met some great girls there, but overall, it gives me a lot of feelings.
Like I get you can’t be friends with everyone & that sometimes you click and sometimes, you don’t.
But what bothers me is that in more than one occasion a new woman would come in and some would not even stop talking and introduce themselves. That sh*t is straight up rude!
Making friends is hard and you’re in a new city and you show up to a “lady’s lunch”, you expect people to be polite and not feel like you’re interrupting “friends”.
So of course, I over compensate because I’ve manners, I guess.

Anyway, because this is an expat group, it’s fluid. When I started, I knew there was already a clique and I kind of just powered through it and made the best of it all.
Then, I started to get sick of it & stopped going; took a brake and now I started going again. Mostly new women & so far, it’s ok.

Fast forward to last Tuesday. I get there and there are 5 women there with their lunches almost done. I asked, if I missed something or if I was late. Another woman, K, assures me that I’m not late and that because some schedule issues, they, 5women, needed to meet earlier. But the fact is, they never come to the lunches anymore; so, I was even more surprised to see them there.
I noticed that K is a bit off.
I sat down and 5women continued to talked like nothing. Never mind the fact that they know me and have not seen me a while. Ok, I get it, you all are BFFs and I’m not part of that.
This other women, S, tries to be nice to me in a very awkward way.
I’m having none of it.
S was someone that I Iiked and tried to be her friend. As in, she even borrowed one of my fancy dresses in the past for an event.
Then I noticed that she kind of started to brushed me off and in the end I just stopped. If I’m the one always sending notes asking to meet for coffee and never goes the other way, I get the hint.
Especially since the expat group is a bit small and I know she’s meeting with everyone else.
And this is where my infertility comes in.
3 of those 5women know about me infertility. They all kind of just ignored that little fact about me and never really gave me any support. Also, I know people gossip and I bet the other 2 women know.
S is now pregnant which pretty much coincides with the timing that she stopped talking to me.
I smelled that a mile away; but still, it hurts.
I’m sitting in the lunch totally trapped, feeling like a total pariah. Those 5women are friends & some are moms and they’re BFFs and no one is even trying to talk to me. Except for K.
I’m just pretty much ignoring them, all was baby talk/parenting anyway with many rubbing of the pregnant belly, and then I hear this: I know, it was so stressful, having timed sex hoping to get pregnant just takes the fun out of it! I know! it took like, 2 months!!!
This is coming from S, the woman that knows about my infertility and saw me cry when my cycles failed.
Thank g*d I was wearing sunglasses, my eyes almost got stuck because I rolled them so hard.
I know, the other ones are aware of me and there was this weird vibe all around. I bet! they’re justifying S behavior and I’m the one that looks like an ass and the f*cking bitter infertile.
Then, 5women were done, paid and they all left together. K stayed behind.
F*cking awkward and rude!
3 new women came in the meantime and they, 5women, didn’t even stop talking and say hello.
K was a mess and later told me how horrible they whole thing was and that she remembers me saying something about that behavior before but now that she saw it herself, it made her really mad.
K doesn’t know about my infertility because after so many times not being acknowledged by people, I just stopped telling.
It was such a terrible time. I ran home and cried and felt all broken. Yes, even though I don’t even liked them, they hurt my fee fees.
BUT! by Thursday night, my friends that I met at German class came over; I made some ridiculous garlic mash potatoes, white asparagus and ate so much and drank even more. We talked forever and I laughed so much.
It’s all good in the world again.

One of the reason I really want to sell my CHI apartment is that it gives me so many unhappy feelings.
We bought the place right around the same time D and I got married.
The “office” was always destined to be a nursery.
The language magnet school was supposed to be our “kids” school.
The park behind our apartment was supposed to be our park.
Instead, everytime I go back there, I get reminded of my infertility problems and all that.
Then, my friend moved there after we moved to Berlin.
She was pregnant there.
She had a baby shower there.
Her water broke in the living room.
The “office” did become a nursery, just not mine.
A baby, now a toddle does live there. Just not mine.
This was also the woman that offered to be my surrogate and then… well, you know.
Yeah, this apartment needs to be sold.

This is what’s going on.
Our expat contract is up in October, we know that Corporation will not give us another one. Expats are very expensive and they’re eliminating that possibility across the board.
D doesn’t want any position in Chicago; we’re both happy here and we’re planning to take a local-hired contract.
We’ve been going back and forth with HR trying to make sure we don’t get screwed in the process, either. Among the things that we need are taxes preparations, Visa arrangements & moving expenses.
We also have an offer for our CHI apt and we’re just working with our lawyers ironing out the details and everything else. I really wish this was moving a bit faster than it’s going.
This means also that we need to find a new apartment in Berlin. The place is bigger than we really need and it’s more align with a “mortgage” than a rental. Just the thought of that is overwhelming. I do love this place.
While in Chicago will be mostly visiting family but also visiting dentist, Shrinks & doctors to make sure everything is ok before we lose our US insurance.
I really enjoy Berlin and we’re happy to make this permanent change but still there is a huge level of nervousness that goes with all of it.

10 days until I leave for Chicago, 10 days I will be in Chicago, 8 xa.nax left.

sometimes the ache is so much that i just sit her in the dark hoping, wishing, waiting for something. I want this pain to go away but I know it will be always be with me. Grieving will be always here.

Looking online for apartments.
Wow, this is nice.

Well, the staircase is a bit dangerous, but hey! we don’t have kids! Loving it so far.

And then THIS!!!

No, just no. Argh!

Same woman.
Within weeks after she got her positive pregnancy test. She did one of her Infertility Chats. The topic: The Childfree Choice.
She went on about how we should not forget the childless crowd and how no one talks about “that choice”. How she wanted to be the connection between the IVF Moms and the Childless.
DUDE! this is something that I’ve been talking about since DEIVF #1; remember how I was done and I was grieving that choice? then, I got pulled back into it again and did DEIVF #2?!?
I tweeted and talked about stopping and transitioning to childfree and how there is very little support. How we’re seen as a pariah.
Was I included in this chat? did she invited me? No.
She made it sound like this was all her idea. Out of the blue. She sure included the 2 childfree after infertility authors and some other lady that has a big community in the UK.
Not me and my sorry ass tumblr; yup, I can’t further her brand, so I was not even included on that.
She picked and picked at my brain all that time we talked and interacted. It’s so obvious, now.
End Rant!

what does ‘infertility adovcate’ even mean??

It means that she works very close with the national Infertility Awareness association. She writes about laws, congress, etc and tries to bring more awareness to the disease. She buddies up with anyone that works with reproductive justice, too. But also now writes for Disney and Milk as a mommy blogger. She pimped her whole nursery.

I’ve an infertility twitter account. That is where I talk, complain, ask & answer questions about my infertility. I started right before IVF, so that would be August 2010.
I’ve a very good following and I have made some amazing friendships there. I’ve even met people IRL.
The whole community is very fickle, we’re all on lots of hormones and waiting for something or hoping for something. On many occasions, this is our only outlet to truly vent. There have been many cases of women that get their positive pregnancy test or deliver their baby, and they just disappear; they’re a mommy now, no time for dwelling on the past.
Yeah, it sucks. It feels like being used, thanks for all the support, suckers!
Now, embracing the childfree choice; well, that has a whole other set of “feelings”.
You see all your friends, cycle buddies move on and post pictures of their babies and you’re right where you started. But, I made my peace with my choice and I’m OK.
So, I’ve done a lot for the donor egg ivf (DEIVF) community. I’ve a list that I share with everyone, I answer questions, I give advice, I try to be very honest about it, I connect people to others. That’s my thing.
There was once a woman that I used to talked to a lot, a fellow DEIVF. She’s a good writer and knows her way around social media. Her goal was to be a full time blogger. We all supported her, we wanted one of us to full filled their dream. Hey, if I could make money out of this tumblr, why not, amirite?
But then things became even more apparent that she was out for herself and just to further her “brand”. She wanted to be in the big blogging leagues. Every other interaction/discussion became a blog post.
Of course, my last DEIVF cycle, I cycled with her. She hogged the TM, she pimped that cycle like no other. And because life is a total bitch, she got pregnant, first time doing IVF and/or DEIVF, she got what she wanted. Two days later, I got my negative pregnancy test results.
I gracefully congratulated, but she never spoke (tweeted) to me again, as in couldn’t even say, hey, I’m sorry.
She has now become big in the blogging, mommy world. She has been pimping the sh*t out of her pregnancy and experience in general. You see, she is “an Infertility Advocate” now.
She just delivered her baby.
I just unfollowed her a minute ago.
I don’t know, why it took me this long to unfolllowed her. Maybe, I was hoping that one day, she might thank me for all the support and information that I gave her.
Moral of the story: Infertility doesn’t cure asshole.

Between the oral allergies and the bug I caught in Mumbai, I’m pretty much just eating rice cakes with Kefir chasers

Ugh, I commiserate… I had that done on my back several years back. My whole back felt like it was ON FIRE.

I hope this is enough to get started, even though it won’t be until winter.

Today I’d an appointment with my allergist. I knew, I needed to give blood but then this happened

Followed by this

I’m an itchy mess. This is in preparation for my desensitization therapy.
I just want to be able to eat some fruit, again.

I swear to GOD every person I’ve known who has traveled to India has ended up with some stomach bacteria business. I saw this travel video of people drinking water from the ganges and I literally gagged.

I got cocky the last day I was there. I really think it was the ice on a drink.

I’m calling it, I definitely picked up a bug in Mumbai.

My relationship with my siblings in one picture.

I went to see Stoker last night, pretty good film. BUT, the set design was amazing, total house porn!

And look at this amazing reading place!

This woman at Mish Lovin’ Life (@mishlovinlife) decided to take pictures of children and fat shaming them while they were visiting the Coca Cola factory.
http://www.mishlovinlife.com/2013/05/im-really-not-trying-to-be-offensive.html
Here are some quotes:
“We’re taking our children on school field trips to The Coca-Cola Factory and letting them run wild and bombard their bodies with cups and cups of sugary drinks all the while sending them the message that this is perfectly acceptable?”
“Maybe it stems from the parents and their lack of education”
Her post is full of this drivel. Please reblog and/or go to her site and educate her.

I’m always looking for some undergarment that I can wear during the summer time. Spanx is ok, but they can be hot. My body only likes the one that goes all the way below my bra. I have a couple of slips (pettipants), which work OK but they are a bit too long for some of my skirts/dresses. I also made my own by cutting and sewing a pair of leggings.
Until now!
H&M carries this lovely, light, breathable, not too tight pairs of underwear. I love them so far. I really like that even though it sits around my belly button (short waisted) it doesn’t show through the fabric, like Spanx can.
They are a bit pricy, 9.95, but they are really worth it.

You all know how I feel about taking pictures of people and my infertility issues.
Well, in India, you can’t really avoid taking pictures of people. It’s crowded, there are people trying to take a picture of the same things, people don’t get out of the way, they want to take your picture and so many other things.
And there are the many children running around, sleeping on the street and begging. You know, you can’t give money or food; you don’t want to make the whole thing worst.
This little girl just wanted me to take a picture of her doll.

This girl was making these flowers arrangements & selling them at the Jain temple.

India is amazing, overwhelming, beautiful, ugly, loud, quiet and everything else. It’s also a very hard place for an infertile heart.